Warning: All opinions expressed henceforth belong to Matt "Smoot" Bowyer, and do not in any way, shape, or form reflect the opinions of Fortunecity, Left of Nowhere, or probably anyone.

Spell check? HA!

  Woohoo! First of all, I turned 18 today, specifically at some ungodly hour of the morning that I remained uncounscious through, no doubt. Second of all, I had a kickass day before, which was today, but not really... ahh, you guys should sorta know what I'm talking about. Sunday rocked. There.

  First of all, I'll speak on gifts. The stuff my parents and family gave me was nice. I reeled in a new scientific calculator (seeing as I destroyed the last one, that's good) and a new microcassette recorder (seeing as I destroyed the last one, that's good), along with a few new shirts, 115 bucks, and from my wonderful uncle, a copy of Quake III: Arena to suck up the time I have between this, school, my friends, and Final Fantasy VIII.

  Then my friends came by, bearing gifts. Only four had gifts, though, which doesn't really bother me. Billy gave me a taped copy of the soundtrack from The Crow, which is nice. Johannes brought me a CD of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, the coolest classical I've ever heard in my life. Deanna Watts, one of my friends from a time earlier, got me a Pink Floyd CD I already had and am therefore exchanging (she felt bad, too. She shouldn't have.), and a Pink Floyd poster.

  But Sarah Kolman's gift gets a full paragraph. She brought me "what was left in my car". I received a black "Countdown to the Millenium" glove which is a bit too small for me (read that: WAY too small), a brown sweater which probably doesn't fit me, ten bucks from underneath her seat, and a crockpot. A blue, working crockpot. "So you can cook beans and all when you go to college."

  I thought that about whupped ass. And I'm not being sarcastic; that's the oddest birthday present I've ever gotten. And I LIKE it.

  Then I treated them to some pizza and breadsticks from Domino's, and we sat in Johannes' living room and watched "The Witches of Eastwick", that movie Comedy Central's been showing recently which stars Jack Nicholson, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Cher. 

  Yup, you heard me. She-male man-child giant-faced Cher.

  We kinda stopped watching it, though, when we decided to tackle Johannes and beat him without mercy. Sarah sat on top of him and held his arms up above his head, and I held his legs down and we either tickled him and stuck an empty pen into his side or his bellybutton or his arse, which got the best reaction. Johannes was, needless to say, less than pleased. Sarah's nipple-twisters were worse. I didn't sink THAT low.

  See, there's nothing to do in Staunton except have Skinny People vs. Big Person fights. Skinny people rule. Heh.

  Johannes was a bit pissed at me. Sarah and I thought it was pretty funny, especially the ending mega-wedgie. We're evil. 

  Matt Bowyer's Random Questions and Pet Peeves of the Day:

  Pet Peeves:

  1) Lame-Assed Promises: You mean I have to write something for this every week?! Dammit!
  2) Broken Door Locks: I locked myself out of the computer room all weekend. I had to break the doorknob to get back in. I'm skilled.
  3) Squaresoft: Where's the Surgeon General's warning on the package of Final Fantasy VIII?! I'm addicted!
  4) Broken Door Locks Part Deux: I also had to hold a door shut backstage for twenty minutes during our school's performance of The Odd Couple because SOME moron forgot to UNlock the door after the first act. Grr...
  5) Big Austrians trying to jump on me: Again, I'd rather not have to spell this one out any clearer.

  Questions:

  1) What's more important? Trying to keep one crazy evangelistic religious society in some Third World country from wiping out an equally fanatical grouip of people, or mobilizing people and funds for the space program so we can get our asses to Mars?

     Responses: "SPACE!"  -my physics class

  Damn, were they off.

  That was not a good movie, in my opinion. The plot made no sense AT all, Nicole Kidman, while rather hot, was not doing a good job of acting in the three, maybe four scenes she was in, and it just didn't work for me.

  Kubrick was right on, though, in his style. The mood of the movie fit whatever the hell idea he had (which I believe was brought on by one too many double espressos at the end of a 72-hour plotting spree), and the over-simplistic piano music did have a nice effect.

  We found a great little game to play in the middle of it, though. "Let's Find An Embarrassing Moment For A Character to Fart". That kept us entertained throughout the entire two and a half bloody hours.

  Now, my last summer with money should be one to remember, you know? So Johannes, myself, and Co. are going to do just that. None of us are going to Beach Week, the week where seniors go down south, drink and smoke, and forget everything that happens, so we're doing Staunton Beach Week, which will consist of a week-long party at Jo's house, more than likely.

  Then there's the road trip. Currently, it's only a gleam in our eyes, seeing as we're poor as an Arabian hobo right now, but we'd like to take a two- to three-week road trip. You know, drive west for a week and then turn around and head back. See America from the window of a Sentra.

  The last plan is the most unhealthy one. A week of our two comuters linked up in his house, and a week of Starcraft, Quake III, Heroes of Might and Magic II & III, Baldur's Gate, Myth II, amd Fimal Fantasy VIII, even though that last one's not multiplayer. And seeing as Johannes' mom has already promised to drop by once a week this summer and restock the fridge, and the two of us are both getting jobs that'll let us take a bit of time off this summer, this is easily possible.

  So if I vanish for a month this summer, I'm buried underneath a keyboard and about thirty pounds of empty Domino's boxes and Dr. Pepper bottles. Just so you know.

  So keep your eyes peeled; it'll happen soon.

  And I'm going out. TO buy porn. On the simple principle that I can.
 
 

-Matt Bowyer. 18. Lock your doors and windows. And hide your daughters.
 

Hey, here's an idea. Email me and tell me what you thought. C'mon, it'll be fun. Really.