I Don't Freakin' Believe It

by Smoot

December 8-11, 1999

"Still you leave and I can't believe all the bullsh*t that I find."

WARNING: I'm seriously pissed off today. Therefore, good rant coming up. If you don't agree with what I say in here, as usual, I don't really care. But I'm more than willing to talk to you about it. My email's at the end. Just drop a note.

Limp Bizkit, Rearranged

Just think about it

Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would use to speak
Distant from all around me
The witness we feel had become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be one to disappoint you
When I don't fall down

But you don't understand when
I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and
I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when
Falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember
When I'm letting go of

You and me
We're through
And rearranged

Seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
Still you leave and I can't believe
All the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be one to disappoint you
When I don't fall down

You and me
We're through
And rearranged

You're no good for me
Thank God it's over

You make believe that nothing is wrong
Until you're crying
You make believe that life is so long
Until you're dying
You make believe that nothing is wrong
Until you're crying, crying on me
You make believe that life is so long
Until you're dying, dying, dying on me

You think that everybody is the same
I don't think that anybody is like you
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody is like you

Just think about it.... you'll get it...

Wednesday, December 8, 1999

First, some back story.

My friend Johannes, the crazed Austrian, is my ride home from school. He rally races, if you know what that is. Rally racing is essentially racing along roads that weren't meant to be raced on, like side roads in the country. Johannes also has a tendency to test his driving skills to the limit, which include his control over the car at high speeds and in adverse conditions.

Okay, so Jo drives fast. There, I said it.

I realize that this doesn't make him a good driver, or even a safe driver, at face value. But Jo doesn't endanger cars around him by speeding, beause he doesn't around other cars. He doesn't drink and drive, like so many people do. He's also a skilled driver, because I assure you, if he was an unskilled and untalented driver, he would surely be dead by now.

Does this make him a good driver?

That question, brought up by an attempted joke today, escalated a conversation into an argument. The sad thing is, it was over something as petty as a friend's driving habits.

The opposing side's argument was this: You can't be a good driver and drive that fast, because that makes you a reckless driver. Reckless driver's aren't good drivers, and even though you say he's a good driver because he's not dead, that doesn't mean anything. Being alive does not make you a good driver, especially if you drive like that. It essentially makes you stupid.

I didn't exactly have an argument. I was being yelled at. I spent the entire time trying to calm him down, and that failed miserably and got me reprimanded from both sides. I'm a lot more sensitive than I'd like to think, so for some reason that hurt me a lot.

I spent the rest of the day pretty angry, angry because of one major reason that plagues me no matter what happens.

You see, there's this problem in this world, one that is evident in nearly every human interaction that takes place. It's easily apparent in politicians and religious nutcases, and still there in nearly everyone else. It's a pretense of virtue and a pretense of piety.

Hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy is the one thing that pushes me over the edge, far more than anything else. I've lost friends over hypocritical statements and beliefs, heartless as that sounds. That just goes to show how strong an issue that is with me.

The day went on, and little improved. I spent lunch lost inside my own head, listening to the hardest music I had with me and playing back footage in my head, wondering where I had gone wrong, and where he had gone as far as to do the one thing that set me off more than anything else.

Honesty isn't all that important to me. Wait, let me clarify. Honesty is important. I helps to know that someone isn't just lying to you to hurt you. But if you're consistenly dishonest to me, or to someone else, I might geta bit pissed, but I'll at least appreciate your consistency. Really.

It's being two-faced I can't stand. It really irks me when someone's nice to me to my face, but talks about me like I'm trash to all of their friends. I make a point to tell everyone what I think of them to their face. It also is a bit of a nuisance when someone condemns you when they have little knowledge of what you're talking about, and don't give you a chance to redeem yourself.

----

I'm finishing this up days after I wrote the first half, and thought I'd go ahead and drop the line to tell you what happened.

I was all ready to go and divide and conquer, and drop a can of whupass on this guy, when I stopped writing and went, sat down outside, and thought. Who was to blame here? Sure, he was being completely full of himself and sort of was a hypocrite, but had I not started the entire thing? It doens't work that well if you're to blame just as much as the other person.

So nothing ever came out of it. I'm as much the hypocrite as he is here. Moral ground isn't any good in a fight if you keep sliding off it.

I still stick by Johannes being a good driver, though. Call me a hypocrite if you like. I may have earned it. But I stick by what I need to.

-Matt W Bowyer

Edition 1: Fanficcers' Depression and ways to get over it.
Edition 2: "May You Live in Interesting Times"
Edition 3: OTL, Chicken Debacle, and much ranting and raving.
Edition 4: Image is Everything
Edition 5: Web page wars, and safety in the school.
Edition 6: Reality or the illusion therein.
Edition 8: "War and Peace", or "War for Peace"?